Water Dogged
by The Flame and Hawk's Eye
Summary: While watching Black Hayate when Riza is away, Roy discovers that the young pup hates water just as much as he does. Rated 'T' for sexual innuendo and humor. Royai.


**A/N:** _Alright, so parts of this are based off of a true story I heard from the clinic I worked at. A lot of dog owners with dogs that do not like baths can agree that sometimes well-behaved dogs overreact when it comes to getting baths._

 _Prompted by a post sent to me from_ _ **tisiphon**_ _on Tumblr and a comment from_ _ **angel-with-a-pipette.**_ _Rated 'T' for sexual innuendos and humor._

* * *

"Alright," Riza said as she tapped the end of her pen against her cheek while looking down at the list on Roy's kitchen table. "I think that's everything. The number of the place we will be, the address, and instructions to feeding Hayate."

When the dog heard his name, he scratched at her leg and whined softly, prompting her to crouch down and pat him on the head.

"Is that it," Roy asked sarcastically as he picked up the list and scanned over it. Good god… It looked less like a simple list of instructions for the dog and more like directions on how to disarm a bomb.

Without looking up from Hayate, she said, "These instructions are necessary, sir. Hayate thrives on a strict regimen. Breaking routine could result in confusion and loss of focus from him."

"I know, I know," Roy said, having heard this spiel nearly one thousand times before.

Glancing up from Hayate to view her superior officer, she smiled lightly. "I really do appreciate you looking after him, Roy. With Sergeant Fuery being sick, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go with Rebecca. She bought these passes for the spa weeks ago, and I would have felt awful leaving her with an extra ticket and no one to go with." Her smile widening, she added, "I don't know how I could ever repay you."

"Oh, I can think of a few ways," Roy implied as he raised a brow impishly.

Riza scoffed and rolled her eyes before looking down at Hayate and giving him one last pat on the head. Just as she began to rise to her feet, the pup gave her one last whimper. Smiling softly at the dog, she stooped down again and took his muzzle in her hand, kissing him lightly on the nose. Then she rose to her feet and grabbed her day bag, slinging it over her shoulder.

Seeing the attention Black Hayate had gotten, Roy stuck out his lower lip and mimicked the dog's whine, tapping his finger against his lips.

With a light chuckle, Riza stepped forward and took his face in her hands, lightly pecking him on the lips.

Smiling at the gesture, Roy murmured, "Have fun," as she stepped back and readjusted her purse on her shoulder.

"It should be," she answered. "You two have fun. I'll be back around six or so tonight." As she made her way over to the door and opened it, Hayate let out a small departing yip as he walked over to Roy and sat next to him. "Be good," she added authoritatively as she paused in the doorway, one hand still on the doorknob. When Roy looked up at her, he saw that her eyes were on him rather than the dog.

Grinning back, he shrugged his shoulders and raised his hands innocently. After one final wave, she stepped out of the apartment and closed the door behind her.

"Well bud, it looks like it's just the two of us," Roy said as he looked down at the black and white Shiba pup that had positioned himself at his side.

Staring up at the man, Black Hayate thudded his tail against the ground and whimpered quietly.

Raising a brow in disbelief, Roy grumbled, "You have to go outside already?"

Hearing the word 'outside,' Hayate whined again and began to dance around Roy's legs.

With a sigh, the Colonel fished the dog's leash out of the bag Riza had left him and clipped it on his collar.

Once outside of his building, he led Black Hayate over to the closest patch of grass he could find. Pausing to let the dog sniff at the grass, Roy allowed his mind to wander back to Riza, wondering how she would repay him after she returned. Maybe, he silently hoped, they would have a light dinner after she returned; his treat, of course. And afterwards, maybe they could migrate to the bedroom for some dessert…

The sound of Hayate's tags loudly rustling brought Roy back to reality. Looking down at the dog, he saw that the black and white pup was now on his back, wriggling back and forth enthusiastically. "Ah, ah, ah," Roy reprimanded as he gave the dog's leash a light tug.

Rolling onto his belly, Hayate looked up at Roy and drew his lips back into a pseudo-smile, his tail thumping proudly against the ground.

Moments later, a pungent odor invaded Roy's noise, causing him to wrinkle it in disgust. Staring down at Hayate, he felt his eyes widen when he realized what the dog had done. While Roy had been busy fantasizing about the dog's owner, Black Hayate had taken the liberty of defecating on the grass and rolling around in it, grounding it into his fur.

Grabbing Hayate by the waist and holding him out at arm's length, Roy hurried back into his building and briskly climbed the stairs that led to his apartment. Balancing the dog on one hand, he pushed the door to his apartment open and closed it behind him, then made a beeline toward the bathroom.

Setting Hayate down, Roy rushed over to the tub, closed the drain, and began to fill it with warm water. Grabbing some bath bubbles Riza had left the last time she had been over, he uncapped it and poured some into the water, swirling it around with his hand.

"Alright," Roy said as he shut the water off, beckoning the dog toward him. "Come here."

The Shiba looked at the Colonel, then at the bathtub, and back at the man again before he turned around and began to jump on the closed door.

Rolling his eyes, Roy got to his feet and made his way over to the dog. But just as he kneeled over to grab Hayate around the waist, the dog turned around and let loose a high-pitched scream that made it sound as if he were dying.

In a panicked and surprised attempt to try and silence the dog, Roy snatched at Hayate. Dodging at the last second, the dog raced around him and flew to the opposite side of the bathroom and attempted to wedge himself between the wall and the toilet.

Rushing over to him, Roy made another attempt at grabbing him, giving the dog the opportunity to use his arms as a step. Jumping onto the toilet, Hayate bounced onto the counter and began to run toward the door again.

Leaping to his feet, Roy managed to grab the dog around his waist and hoisted him off of the counter, resulting in a yelp of protest from the dog.

When Roy held him above the water, Black Hayate tensed and drew his legs into himself. Seeing is as a sign that the dog had given up, he carefully lowered him toward the water.

In response to this action, Hayate whimpered and slowly twitched his front and back legs, mimicking the doggy paddle. This was obviously the stage of acceptance, Roy reasoned as he hovered Hayate just above the water.

Oh, how wrong he had been…

The moment the Shiba Inu's feet touched the water all hell broke loose. With a yelp the dog twisted and flailed in Roy's hands, causing Roy to let go of him. The dog hit the water moments later, sending a generous wave of warm and sudsy water onto the Colonel.

But instead of staying in the tub like a good dog would, Hayate scrambled viciously in the undulating water, trying frantically to scramble over the porcelain tub's wall.

Recovering from his initial shock, Roy grabbed the panicking dog and kept him in the tub despite Hayate's best efforts. Keeping one hand on the dog's chest to hold him in the tub, Roy reached over and grasped a bath sponge. But just as he was about to start scrubbing the whining dog, he heard a knock on his door. His head snapping up, Roy yelled, "Just a minute," as he tried to keep Hayate at bay. Moments later, he heard another round of persistent knocks.

Releasing his hold on the sopping wet dog, Roy rushed over to the door and slipped out just as Hayate followed and attempted to squeeze out of the bathroom. Closing the door behind him, he wiped his hands on the parts of his pants that were less wet and opened his front door, revealing his elderly next door neighbor.

"Is everything alright, Roy," she asked as she knitted her brows together, her face twisted in concern. "I heard screaming and-" She was cut off as Hayate began to howl incessantly.

"Yes, everything's fine," Roy gasped, surprised at his breathlessness. "Hayate's over and he rolled around in something he shouldn't have outside. I'm giving him a bath, but didn't realize that he wasn't fond of them."

"Ah," the old woman said knowingly. "I completely understand." Rolling up her sleeve, she pointed to a tiny scar on her forearm. "I had a cat that wasn't too fond of baths. Her name was Lola and boy, was she a wild one-"

"That's too bad," Roy interrupted, too distracted by Hayate's howls. "I'm sorry, but I have to go and-"

"Oh, say no more," she said with a wave of her hand. "I'll let you get back to bath time." But just as she turned away, she had a second thought. Rotating back to face him, she added, "Tell Rita I say hello and tell her that I'll have a lemon cake waiting for her when she visits next."

Rather than correcting her on Riza's name, Roy nodded as Hayate let loose another series of high-pitched yells.

Shaking her head and smiling, the old woman smiled suggestively as she raised her brow and said, "The pup must get his voice from his adoptive mother."

Feeling his cheeks redden in response to the innuendo, Roy opened his mouth to counter but quickly snapped it shut when the woman chuckled and turned away, making her way back toward her apartment.

Roy rushed back inside his apartment and stopped outside of the bathroom door. Almost instantly the howling stopped. Pressing his ear against the door, he heard the soft clicking of Black Hayate's claws against the tile flooring as he paced back and forth, emitting a soft whine as he did so.

Taking a deep breath, Roy slowly opened the door. Seeing this, the dog shoved his nose in the crack, preventing Roy from closing it again. Crouching down, he prepared himself for the flurry of wet fur that was sure to fly out of the room.

When he pushed the door open, just like he had expected, Hayate emerged. But what he didn't expect was for the dog to launch himself at the Colonel, knocking Roy off of his feet. He let out a loud "oof" as Hayate came straight down on his diaphragm, knocking the wind out of him.

As he tried to regain the air he lost, Hayate ran over to and leapt onto Roy's sofa. Rolling over, he watched as the dog shook himself off, sending droplets of water onto everything within a five foot radius. With a heavy and defeated sigh, Roy's head lolled forward and he rested his forehead against the floorboards.

* * *

"Hey…"

Opening his eyes, Roy's glazy stare was met by a pair of concerned brown eyes. Pushing himself up into a sitting position, he remembered that he had dragged himself over to the couch at some point and must have fallen asleep. Groaning softly, he wrapped an arm around his sore abdomen. And now that he thought about it, his entire body felt like it had been run over by a truck. Was all of this pain really the result of him chasing the dog around his apartment for hours?

"Are you alright," Riza asked softly as she pressed a hand against his forehead.

"Yeah," he murmured as he yawned.

"I see you tried to give Hayate a bath," Riza said softly as he pulled her hand away from his forehead.

At the mention of the dog's name, Roy's head snapped around, noticing for the first time that the dog was seated next to his owner, his tongue happily lolling out of his mouth. When Roy's eyes narrowed, Hayate cocked his head innocently to the side, eyeing the man affectionately.

"I suppose I should have warned you," Riza continued. "I just figured he wouldn't be needing one anytime soon."

"How do you do it," Roy asked exasperatedly. "He was just so… bad."

Hearing the word, Hayate pressed his ears back against his skull and bowed his head in guilt.

She shook her head and sighed. "It normally takes a while, sometimes an afternoon to even get him in the tub." Looking down at the dog, she continued, "He's hated water and anything to do with being wet for as long as I've had him. I think that it all ties back to how Kain found him out in the rain. So it takes a lot of treats, patience, and guidance from his vet on how to bathe him, but he's getting better." Reaching up, she ran her fingers through his fur.

"I guess I never thought of that," Roy said as he too reached down and patted Hayate on the head. Seemingly taking this as a sign that the Colonel had forgiven him for his behavior, the Shiba Inu leaned into his touch. "Sorry boy," he muttered as the pup pulled away and licked his hand, "I didn't realize you hated being wet…"

"Sounds like someone else I know," Riza murmured as she eyed Roy knowingly.

Grinning back, he countered by saying, "I only hate it if it's water."

Shoving him playfully, she said, "Not tonight. You need to sleep and I have to get Hayate home." Pointing at the face of her wristwatch, she said, "It's already past ten."

"I slept that long," Roy asked in disbelief, to which she replied with a nod. With a low grumble, he rose to his feet and stretched.

Getting to her feet as well, she said, "I'll see you tomorrow then."

Eyeing her confusedly, he said, "Tomorrow's Sunday."

"I know," she responded as she stepped closer to him and draped her arms around his neck, "But I still have to repay you for watching Hayate."

"Oh," he answered in understanding. "Well if that's the case," he said as he placed his hands on her hips and leaned in closer, their noses practically touching, "I'll see you tomorrow." Just as he moved in for the kiss, he felt something scratching his leg. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Black Hayate, who was watching them with his head cocked curiously. As he pressed his lips to hers, he whispered against them, "But maybe just this once, let's leave Hayate at your place."

* * *

 **A/N:** _So here is my first lousy little attempt at humor XD And just an added warning, please do not use human body products like shampoos on dogs. Use the products that are designed for their skin and fur coats._

 _Hope you enjoyed!_


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